Monday, March 15, 2010

Called to serve.

We all know that preaching to the choir happens on both sides of the fence. I would like to think that it is worse on the apologist side of things, but I guess fair is fair right? We need to look at our selves as dissenters and be honest. We have figured out it is all a bunch of poopy doopy, and now when we read their stuff we are not objective. We read it with a slant. We are just like them. But we do not have to play fair do we? We can stick our tongues out, break the unwritten rules, mock their discourse etcetera. Really, being childish is as effective as talking sense.

We must be dissenting. We must cause trouble. The problem with doing this is that if we sound too loudly we will be found and removed. It has happened so many times as we can see all over the earth. We must stay in the church. Remain members in good standing. If you have to break the rules, then go ahead and break them, but the cleaner you are as far as worthiness goes, the more validity some of these experiments will hold.

There are a ton of unwritten rules in the church. We have the no caffeine rule, take the sacrament with your right hand, some wards differ from others but we all know the great extent the members have gone to to interpret certain rules. I encourage anyone reading this to contribute and send me an email with suggestions. I will start with a few ideas I have had of rules we can break to cause a stir in our wards.

1. Pull up to church whenever possible with raucous music blaring. I like Mozart's Requiem. Orff's Carmina Burana, or Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss, but by all means play Lynnard Skynnard if you want, just make sure that people hear it from your vehicle then appear as though you are embarrassed and turn it off. Apologize, and then do the same thing the next week.

2. Wear funny T-shirts to church, then if anyone ever asks, just act naive and do it again the next week.

3. Flip-flops, messy hair, sunglasses, anything that will stand out.

4. Bring a can of 7-up and open it during sacramental prayer.

5. If you have kids give them popcorn, corn-nuts, or any other loud snack in sacrament. If anyone says anything to your kids then you get to be righteously indignant, and we all love to have an excuse to call someone to repentance.

6. Bear your testimony about doctrinal things but be just a little off about the details like, "I know the church is true. I know that Jimmy Smith was a true prophet of the restoration. I know that he restored the priesthood throughout the help of angel Nephi" (though if you read the real history of things you would know that it originally was the angel Nephi and was posthumously changed by church leaders to fit better), and so on.

7. Bear testimony so long that you have to be asked to sit down.

8. Play a game in Sunday school where you cough really loudly every time the teacher says the word priesthood.

9.Bring a gay friend to church and hold hands with him or her during the meeting or in the hall. If you are corrected or chastised, then ask why holding hands is wrong, that you are good friends and it means nothing.

10. Go goth one week, clown the next. If you are a dude wear lipstick or eyeshadow, but play dumb about even having it on. Pretend to be embarrassed and go wash it off but do a poor job then return to priesthood.

11. Piercing, tattoos. You get the drift.

12. Go into the wrong meeting (Priesthood if you are a woman) and refuse to leave until it is explained then appear as though you misunderstood and politely take your place on the couch.

13. Bring licorice and get up in the meeting and pass it around to people.

14. Post crap on the cork boards. Do not get caught. And if you do get caught play dumb. "Oh this isn't for anybody? Damn! I am so bloody sorry."

15. Learn to swear in a foreign language and use it profusely in the church. If anyone happens to know enough to correct you then play dumb but also make it clear you are disgusted that they even know what it means.

16. Confess to uncomfortable sins. "oh man I hear you Brother Johnson. When I was fifteen I used to masturbate to pornography like crazy, and I aint talking soft core. I loved that double penetration stuff."

17. If you are single and have the nerve bring a date and do a little PDA. If your spouse is in for it, the both of you could get a little frisky, but not too crazy. Remember that we only want to ruffle some feathers.

18. Scream amen at the end of the prayer.

19. If you know enough or have the resource, bring a volume of significance of the Journal of Discourses to church and quote from it when appropriate. If you are challenged simply ask if the words of the prophet are false or true. Official scripture? Ummm words of the prophets losers. If that aint official then I do not know what is.

20.(you may be only able to do this once) Sign out as much stuff from the library as you can, and I mean as much stuff as is possible, then hide it and draw a cryptic treasure map to its location.

21. Use expletives close to blasphemy as much as possible. Jeebus! Dad blame it! Cheese and Rice! . . . .

22. Urinate on the bathroom floor. Take a dump on the baby changing table.

23. When you go to shake hands get your hand as close to the receiver's crotch as possible.

24. Coffee flavored candy? Where do you draw the line when offering sweets to children? And yes, play dumb!

25. Bring a pet.

26. Go to another ward far away and pretend to be an investigator.

27. Any time you can cry, DO IT, but really sob uncontrollably and don't let up till near the end then just say, I just know this is so true! Really, look at me! Do I look like I am fibbing here? My nose is running! That's sincerity! Then go back to sobbing.

28. If you can do voices then say everything trying to sound like Monson or Packer and keep going till people pick up on it.

29. Accidentally say, "In the name of Joseph Smith . . . . . Amen!

30. Applause.

31. Talk about temple stuff like you don't know it is wrong to do so.

32. Shorts!

33. Bring a black investigator and arm him or her with all of the quotes from the history of the church concerning blacks not receiving the priesthood.

34. Put headphones on and air guitar. (If you are considered youth then you may get your stuff taken so be careful. Adults? The sky is the limit. How much nerve do you have?)

35. Ask questions (careful here) that will make people wonder. "Hey Brother Smoot, if the church is so honest with how they use our money then how come the finances of the church aren't transparent like other churches? Honestly, I love Joseph Smith as much as the next Mormon but that kinda bothers me."

36. Printer antics. Pick an uncomfortable quote from the past like the one where the Prophet calls the black people 'darkies' and while in Sunday school when you get one of those little slips of paper with a scripture or quote on it, read yours instead.

37. More printer antics. print out a whole bunch of pieces of paper that say, "Got doubts? MORMONTHINK.COM has answers." Slip them into hymnbooks, library suplemental material. Pin it on corkboards, under pews, taped to the backs of folding chairs. You could print anything you want and do this. Little facts mormons don't like. The Blacks did not have the priesthood for more than 150 years. The Church refuses to apologise. Whatever point you think could influence somebody. REMEMBER Plant the seed and it will grow.

I would love to hear if anything like this is being done. Any other ideas or comments just email me at

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