Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Noah's Arc, Water to Wine, and . . . . . how much is it going to take.

There are many instances in the Bible that give us pause, especially those of us who are true believing Mormons. Some have been cleared up for us and others remain obscured. I am curious how our church treats the Bible and the stories in it. Literal or figurative, inspired or uninspired, the way the church has treated difficult stories of the bible is really telling to their claims of legitimacy.

Noah's ark.

We Mormons believe this. We believe that despite the surface area of the earth, Noah somehow composed a team capable of speedily trapsing the globe, finding every animal (excluding fish and birds) and then taking care of the only two of every animal without losing a one of them. We believe this!

The story of Job.
God makes a bet with the Devil over the soul of Job.

Here is one that has been trumped as figurative. It is a parable. The brethren have determined this. God can not make a bet with the Devil. That is gambling and God can not gamble. We are told not to take this one literally. . . . . . ??????????

Sodom and Gomorrah

We believe that Lot was a holy prophet. We believe in all the experiences of those sinful cities, but we have trouble with his wife actually turning to salt. It was actually a metaphor for his wife returning to the city to become as salt trodden under the feet of man. We are cool with Jesus turning the water into wine--er--new wine . . . . . ummmm grapejuice for those of you naive enough to believe that the Son of God would actually drink an alcoholic beverage, but we doubt the Lord actually turned Lot's wife Rhonda into salt. . . . . but the Noah thing is real.

So Lot and his family take off running for the hills, right? They hunker down in the warmth of a friendly cave and are feeling snuggy and cozed to the max, then Lot gets into the wine and gets totally hammered. (Holy man. He is a prophet of the old testament and a very sacred figure) Did he not know that the wine had turned from new to old wine? Thoroughly sloshed Lot the holy prophet, vessel of the Lord, passes out and his two daughters get to thinking. Aint nobody to carry on Dad's legacy. What do we do? . . . . . Hey I know! Lets have sex with Daddy! So they took turns getting ensemenated by good old drunken prophet/father! You think Heavenly Father would have nudged him a favor and told him about that integral law of health. Maybe then he wouldn't have boinked his little princesses while intoxicated.

The earth is only seven thousand years old.

Yup. We are with the Christians on that one. There were no humanoids before Adam and Eve. They are the first people ever. No question. You science types can babble on and on about your big dumb Neandrethals, and your "evidence of civilizations older that what we say the earth is." We don't care! We know Adam was the first man and he was also a prophet!

Moses parted the red sea.

It could happen.

The series 24 is based on true events.

Sandra Bullock is attractive.

Cain is still alive, and so is John the revelator.

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